I’m mostly writing down my updates so I can keep track of what happened when and to help me remember things. My memory has gone haywire and I’ll forget things 24/7. I was told I have too much ammonia and mild cognitive impairment. “The effect of ammonia on the brain include reduced cognition, lack of focus, diminished motivation, loss of sense of self, heightened emotionality and extreme mental fog.” All of which I have. I feel like an absolute mess and I don’t have control over anything.
I no longer have spirochete parasites in my blood, supposedly. During my urgent care visit I took a Lyme disease blood test and it came back questionable so I was supposed to re-test but I completely forgot about it. But as far as looking at my blood under a microscope, none show up. I do, however, still have macro-parasites in my body and I am livid. I have been so angry and emotional about this whole process. I haven’t felt peace about anything and I just don’t understand what is going on with my body. I can cry at any given moment. I’m angry constantly. I’m irritable. Sad. Everything all at once. And confused. Just so confused.
I am “soaking wet” at 84 lbs. I try as hard as I can to not think about it because it makes me crazy. I feel terrible for telling my daughters how beautiful they are because God created them. Yet, here I am.. not even able to look at myself in the mirror or in photos because I can only see bones. Sunken eyes. Swollen lips. Large abdomen. But, God made me too. And I so easily forget that. All my life I wanted to weigh a little more and mentally it’s been such a hard battle for me. I keep asking God “when?”
But somewhere in me, I’m okay. I know that God is taking care of everything and that I’m here for something. It’s the unknowing that gets to me and I need so much prayer for that.