Before my rash I had started to feel better, I was feeling much more normal. I was able to do things without burning out by the afternoon and my mind was less foggy.
I took steroids for my rash for 5 days or so. The rash lasted about 10 days and I felt almost normal the whole time. I kept telling everyone that I felt better like this than I did before.
The first day off the steroids was absolutely horrible. I was very weak, tired, I had a migraine, my throat hurt, chest hurt, body ached. Temperature was high, anxiety skyrocketed. I was extremely emotional and kept crying because I thought I was supposed to feel better and I felt worse than I had been feeling. Thoughts of having to live like this forever flooded my mind. I kept hearing “you’ll never be able to take care of your children” “you’ll never be able to teach them or play with them” and so many other things. At one point my husband was holding me as I was crying and I told him I just want to do normal things with my life. It’s not like I want to go skydiving or climb Mount Everest. I just want to be able to clean. Play with our girls. Teach them, have fun with them and do household chores and projects.
In my mind I repeated Romans 12:12 (NIV) “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”
And tried so hard to believe that scripture.
But I hated that I would burn out by 1 pm. I hated that when I would feel the least bit okay I would do all these normal things and had to pay for it the next day. I had been like this several months prior to my first appointment, saw some progress, then fell back into the same hole. So, I threw myself a little pitty party for a few days and cried a whole bunch. I guess I was angry with God’s “choices” but I was trying so hard to remain faithful and hopeful. Everything I was feeling was telling me to lose hope. But one day my husband told me “Just don’t give up. No one every got anything good by giving up” and he’s right. In my right mind, I know this. Emotions (especially when you’re sick) have a funny way of twisting that, if you let them.
So my mom ended up taking me to the ER. I’m glad she did because the provider gave me a great piece of mind. She told me that I was given a high dose of steroids. Which is why I felt somewhat normal during the rash. Some people get hyper on them, some sleep a lot, some get insomnia. So on and so forth. Of course, I got insomnia and it still hasn’t gone away.
She said I was given these superpowers for a few days and then all of sudden they were gone and my body was like “wait a minute, what’s going on?” And I crashed. My body had to adjust to not being on the steroids. Then on top of that, the steroids wiped my immune system. I ended up getting an upper respitory infection and who knows what else during that time. So that’s why I felt so terrible. I wasn’t back to where I started, but I did take a few steps back in that direction.
The next day I met with my doctor of oriental medicine. She explained to me that the steroid dosage was not only high, it was high for normal sized adult. Which I am not. I’m 4’11” and my weight has been fluctuating between 83-87 lbs. It’s no wonder I’ve been feeling like garbage! I had no idea steroids could cause so much damage.
We took a look at my blood and wow, it was such a relief to see that I am progressing. My red blood cells died awfully quick (which is why I took viral immune and oil of oregano in the first place, which lead to the rash) and is why I’m so tired. A lot is going on in my body and now that we know I’m too sensitive to everything we will attack problems one at a time. I had some yeast still around but not nearly as bad as the first appointment. There were lots of little victories and I am extremely thankful.
I have had a problem with comparing my health to the people I see on social media. I envy them instead of seeing that I have some issues and God is helping me get through them. My family has been extremely supportive and encouraging and I just love them all so much. They have helped me mentally and physically and are such a blessing.
I also have an extremely hard time around my daughters on my “bad” days. My oldest can look into my eyes and see that something is wrong no matter how hard I try to hide it. She always asks why I never feel good and why I’m sad all the time. It absolutely breaks my heart and my youngest gets so concerned because she doesn’t understand either. I read that babies connect to their mother in the womb, and I totally agree. My girls know something is emotionally wrong with me before I even realize it and it catches me by surprise every time.
Prayers that my girls would have peace and know that everything is okay. That God would comfort them and strengthen them. That I would continue to heal and fight the bad thoughts that pull me down. That I would be able to stay out of my own mind and just appreciate the beauty of the day and be able to breathe it in with joyfulness instead of anxiety and worry. Prayers for strength for my husband as he has been working so hard on keeping the house together and helping out so much.